Post Ironman Blues

If post race someone would have pulled me aside and said, "Congratulations, you've finished! Now the real mental challenge begins." I would've laughed in their face and said no way. My training is done. My race is over. I'm an Ironman! What is there to worry about? Well exactly that, my training is done, my race is over, now what?

In the days immediately after the race I was feeling on top of the world. I kept thinking about what a well executed race I ran and how "good" my body held up during the race. Of course my body was sore and I felt aches and pains pretty much all over, but that subsided after a few days. My husband and I actually stayed in Hawaii a whole extra week to vacation and that provided a much needed distraction and lots of rest.

Once I arrived back to the mainland and settled back into a normal routine, I felt like I was in a fog of some sorts. The thought of swimming, biking or running just didn't sound appealing and my motivation to exercise definitely disappeared. As the days and weeks ticked by, and I still had no desire to move, the depression set it. The weight gain did not help either.

Right now you are probably thinking, why the heck is she so depressed? She just spent the last six months of her life waking up early, packing gym bags, washing dirty workout clothes, training, prepping meals, rushing to work, planning her entire schedule around her training plan, training, missing out on social events, training and more training. The race is over. She is free! She has her life back. Now she can do whatever she wants. Well that's just it, I can do whatever I want but right now I'm finding it hard to do anything. I feel like I'm navigating without a map. I'm lost.

I have managed to muster up enough excitement to go back to CrossFit, at least a few days per week. I figure it is very different from Ironman training so it will offer me some variety and I loved it so much before. Wow. What a rude awakening. On my first day back, I could barely do five slam ball squats without having to stop to catch my breath. I knew it would be a long time before I could be at the level I was when I stopped but this has been much more emotional than I thought it would be. Having to deal with the loss of fitness just a few weeks after being at the very top of my game. The coaches have been really understanding and encouraging. They keep reminding me that it will take a while before I can regain my fitness. I hear what they are saying but my mind does not like that answer.

I've been doing some reading on the topic of "post Ironman blues" and it's a real thing:

Triathletes also commonly suffer from a malady known as the “post-Ironman blues” in the weeks after an Ironman. It is likely that such mood depression is to some degree just another symptom of the general overtraining syndrome that commonly affects endurance athletes after such a test. Overtraining is known to disrupt brain neurotransmitters that influence mood. It has been hypothesized that as a symptom of overtraining, depression is your brain’s way of discouraging you from overexerting yourself again—in this case, doing your next Ironman—for a while. -Triathlete Europe Magazine

Click on the link and check it out:  Psychological Well-Being in Ironman Triathletes

I guess I am glad to read that my mood is normal and that I'm going to be ok. I hope that these blues go away soon and I am sure that those around me feel the same way. My boss, co-workers, husband and friends must be counting down the days until my wacky mood swings and short temper disappear.

One answer might be to sign up for another Ironman and trust me, the thought did cross my mind. Right now, I'm just not there yet. Life is funny this way, you really have to learn how to deal with being on top and turn right back around and deal with being at the bottom. As I slowly make my way out of the fog I trust that there are bigger and crazier things out there waiting for me. I just have to keep navigating until it becomes clear what those new adventures might be...

Ironman World Championship

Wednesday October 9th.

My coach had warned me not to get anxious or sucked in to anything that I saw, and almost immediately I knew what he was talking about.

There they were by the dozen. On the road, in the street, biking, running, checking their heart rates and looking at their watches. Triathletes everywhere! Not just any triathletes, but Kona qualifiers.

Before I even arrived I knew exactly where I fit in the pecking order of things, I was a lottery winner. Not only that, but one who had never done a full distance Ironman triathlon before. It was extremely intimidating to walk into registration surrounded by seasoned athletes. I felt that for sure everyone could tell how inexperienced I was and that I must have stuck out like a sore thumb. To my surprise that was not the case. Everyone was so nice and once I spotted my name on that banner my doubts disappeared as I reminded myself that I too have put in the work to be here.

Thursday October 10th.

The house that we stayed at was about 16 miles south of the race site on a part of the Big Island called Captain Cook (maybe a little over 16 miles, I know because I drove back and forth so many times). It was very nice to be able to get away from all the race madness as I found out the closer I was to the race site the more nervous I got, as soon as I would drive away my nerves would calm. I brought my very own support crew to the island: husband, dad, step-mom, mother-in-law and very good family friend. The house was right on the water so we could all snorkel, kayak, and spot the occasional sea turtle. I cannot tell you how awesome it was to have them all there with me. Not only were they so much fun to have around, but they were personal drivers, chefs and entertainers. I loved it!

I had shipped my bike two weeks prior so I made another trip back into town to pick it up and check out the race expo. Ali'i Drive was the place to be, the place with all the action. Vendor booths, triathletes biking, pedestrians, banners, trucks moving in and out prepping equipment for race day, and of course 4x World Champion Chrissie Wellington. So awesome!

Friday October 11th.

I took the car and drove myself down to the race village once again. This time it was to check in all my stuff. Overnight tents had been set up, roads blocked off, and the party was just getting started. I had heard about the volunteers but until you experience it you cannot even imagine how well organized these events are. I thought Ironman 70.3 races ran smooth, this is the world championship and it takes it to a whole other level. Security is tight, you have to show your athlete bracelet at various check points. Not only that, but you get a personal escort to take you to your exact bike spot, then pass you to another volunteer who takes you to the bike bags, and then the run bags. Once you've dropped those off you meet up again with your escort who walks you out of the transition area. It is a type A person's dream come true! No need to worry where to go, they've got you covered.

Joining us for my "last supper" was one of my best friends who re-routed her family vacation to be able to support me on race day. My personal chefs cooked up the most amazing dinner: steak, fish, potatoes, salad and tropical fruit. There was beer and wine of course, and yes I did drink two glasses of wine after which my dad cut me off ;)

Saturday October 12th.

My dad drove us bright and early to the race site (today was a whole new level of early as my alarm went off at 3:50am). As expected, the village was very much alive. First things first, I had to get my race number put on. For this race you get real numbers, no sharpies here. They are really strict about you not putting any sunscreen on before you get your number so like a good girl I followed orders and stood in line. You could feel the energy from everyone, veterans and newbies alike we were all ready to get the party started.  

I had some time to double check my bike tires to make sure they were pumped up all the way, fasten my shoes into the pedals, and add some extra food items to my bike bag. Now that my number was sufficiently dry I had to make sure I got some sunscreen. The lady that put it on me was so nice, she told me she put a little extra on to make sure I had lots of good Mana* for the day.

               * In Hawaiian culture, Mana is a form of a spiritual energy and also healing power which can exist in places, objects and persons. It is the Hawaiian belief that there is a chance to gain mana and lose mana in everything that you do. It is also the Hawaiian belief that mana is an external as well as an internal thing.

BOOM! The first cannon goes off signaling the start of the professional men’s race. Five minutes later, the cannon goes off again which is my cue to part ways with my dad because the professional women have now started too. They start herding the rest of us towards the water and advise us to get into a good swim position. My strategy is not to be in front so that I get swam over, but also I don't want to be all the way in the back. I swim out to what I think is a pretty good spot and turn around to soak in the moment. Thousands of spectators lined up watching us. Pink caps and blue caps bobbing. Athletes setting their watches. I take a deep breath and... BOOM! 

Like I have said before, the start of any triathlon can be a little rough as swimmers eventually find their swim pace and spread out across the course, not here. This was 74 minutes of non stop, elbow throwing, chest kicking, side swiping (I am not talking about an MMA fight although it sure seemed like it to me) swimming. The pack never thinned out. My strokes were always cut short by someones legs or arms. I was swam over and pushed under. I tried my best not to kick anyone who's face I was sure was by my feet. At one point I literally stopped, laughed and said out loud "this is ridiculous." This was not an easy swim by any means.

Once out of the water I was glad that Part 1 was over with. I was guided into the women's changing tent where they handed me my bike bag and sat me down. I had two ladies who were assigned to me and together they helped me put on my socks, shirt, and arm coolers. Handed me some water, rubbed sunscreen on my arms and directed me towards my bike. I put my helmet on, grabbed my bike, ran out of transition, and away I went knowing that the next time I would be back here wouldn't be for hours.

I spotted my family right away, it helps that they were all wearing their Kona Crew shirts, and smiled at them as I rode quickly passed them. At the start of the bike course you do a little loop in town. So it was really cool to be able to see my crew twice before I made the long haul to the turn around point in Hawi.

One of the pieces of advice that my coach gave me that stuck with me the most, was stay as positive as you can. Even if things start to unravel, if you can tell yourself that you're having fun it's amazing what your mind can do. So I did just that. I made up songs about the signs that I saw (the Donkey Crossing song was pretty epic if I do say so myself). Every time 10 miles would go by I would yell, "Yay! Only 90 miles to go. Only 80 miles to go. Only 70 miles to go..." As bikers passed me I never got discouraged because I figured that meant I beat them out of the water ;) 

Some athletes were chatty, some weren't. If someone sort of lingered by me for a bit I would say hello and tell them good job. One biker came up next to me and right away I knew who he was. I live in LA so celebrity sightings don't really phase me much so Chef Gordon Ramsey on a bike, next to me, doing the Kona Ironman, I mean why not? He asked me how my day was going and I said great. I asked him if this was his first Ironman and he said yes. We chatted about how awesome the weather was and I told him that I was sure we would be seeing the pros any minute. He said, "I sure hope not, that means we're going pretty slow." He passed me and about five minutes later I see the motorcade and a speeding wall of Pro men racing back towards Kona. Wow. That's how you do it!

Hawi was just two miles away and I looked down to see that I had been biking for 3 hours. Holy crap? Is that right? I started doing the calculations in my head... 3 hours out, 3 hours back... No freaking way! If that's the case, I have just created an amazing lead for my marathon. 

At this point I was sick of my food. Let's just say it will be a while before I eat peanut butter and jelly anything. I knew I had my special needs bike bag waiting for me at the turn around so I figured it was a perfect time for a pit stop. I opened my bag knowing exactly what I had put in it, potato chips! I crunched a handful and shoved it in. Washed it down with some cold cola and off I went. 

Another 10 miles or so went by and I was doing so fantastic I couldn't even believe it. Could this really be? Do I really have a chance at finishing under 12 hours? And then, the wind came. Wow. They were not kidding about the wind. If you've ever cycled in headwinds you know what I'm talking about. Annoying. Relentless. Aggravating. Not just head winds but from the side too. My pace dropped significantly (I'm talking 7 MPH at some parts) and with it so did my pipe dreams of a sub 12 hour race. I knew it was a long shot, but for a brief moment it seemed like a possibility. This weather was more like the Kona I had heard so much about. Remember think positive. Ok well, at least the wind wasn't both ways. And with that new positive spin on things slowly but surely the miles clicked by back to Kona.

Once again I was greeted by volunteers as I arrived at the transition area. I dismounted my bike and they took care of it from there. I had to take a little break so I took advantage and walked through to retrieve my run bag. As the ladies switched out my shoes, rubbed Vaseline on my legs, and handed me some water I looked down at my watch and knew that I was good. I had loads of time before the midnight cutoff so even if I walked the entire marathon today my dream was definitely going to come true.

But come on, it's me. Did you really think I would walk? Not likely. I was still in the territory of being able to break the 13 hour mark and with my new resolve I hit the pavement. One mile at a time. Smiling at everyone, cheering for those who passed me, enjoying my final leg of the triathlon. My strategy for the run had always been, keep a steady pace and walk through the aid stations so as to get a full drink but also not walking more than 45 seconds. And this strategy started off really well, but I had not eaten enough on the bike and I was in a dangerously close spot to bonking so getting some fuel was a top priority.

No more PB&J please! Need salt. Every other aid station had different items, GUs, bars, blah, blah... I managed to eat a few oranges and then I saw the pretzels. Oh yes! This is exactly what I want. I developed a pattern as I passed each aid station: cold sponge, cola, pretzels, ice, water. I eventually pulled myself out of the bonk danger zone and was able to focus more. I passed my pal Gordon Ramsey again on the run and made sure to let him know that I was right about us seeing the pros on the bike course. He laughed, and said he was feeling like crap. I gave him a little pep talk but he started walking, sorry pal I'm on a mission.

I saw my family on the course and it gave me the push I needed. They told me how the guy who ran by five minutes earlier had puked his guts out right in front of them so they wanted to make sure I was doing ok. I'm feeling great! Super excited and ready to get this run over with.

Out and back courses can be tricky mentally. It's great that all you have to do is get to that turn around spot, but it can also be a little cruel as you see the athletes that are already on their way back. I hear the sirens and see the motorcade. And sure enough it's Mirinda Carfrae. She looks fantastic, and is moving so fast with no one behind her. I take a moment to think, she's going to win.

I get to the half marathon marker and my walk pace has now caught up to my run pace. My tummy is feeling weird (probably from all the oranges) and I need to take a break. Contrary to what the athlete tracker said, I did not stop. I know there is a split that shows 23 minutes or something like that, but I never stopped moving. Over the loud speaker at one of the aid stations I hear, "Ok athletes, for those of you who will be running with us tonight the kitchen has officially opened. We are now serving chicken broth." So now at each aid station I made sure to grab a cup of chicken broth.

As the sun set the glow sticks started to be passed out, and all you could eventually see were glow sticks bouncing up and down. My run had turned into more of a power walk and a more realistic finish time. I had about 3 miles to go and normally I could easily do that in less than 30 minutes, not now. I've been moving for hours and I'm exhausted. My splits now were about 12-13 minute miles and sub 13 hour would be impossible. But that's ok. I'm in freaking Kona. I have had the most amazing day. The weather conditions could've been way worse, but they weren't. I could've gotten a flat tire, but I didn't. My feet could be completely torn up from blisters, but they aren't. Today has been an epic day.

I hear the crowds as I approach the last stretch on Ali'i Drive. I see my family and flash them a huge smile. People are yelling at me, high five-ing me, and I can hear Mike Reilly's distinct voice as he welcomes in the athletes in front of me. Then it's my turn:

Linda Goeckner from Calabasas, California. Great day Linda. 30 years old. You are an Ironman!

This was by far one of the best experiences of my entire life. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I could not have done this alone and just want to quickly say thank you to everyone who has been following my journey via my blog, thank you to those who supported me by buying t-shirts, thank you to my crossfit family for your help with the fundraiser, thank you to my triathlon team for inspiring me to do this race in the first place, thank you to my co-workers for covering for me as I was late to work every day, thank you to my boss who was super cool with my crazy training schedule, thank you to my friends who never told me "enough about your training already", thank you to all my training partners, thank you to my family near and far for your encouragement, a special thank you to my Hawaiian support crew who made the journey to the Big Island with me, to my husband for not being upset at me for going to bed at 8pm every night (oh wait, that's normal), and thanks to my coach who prepared me and guided me the whole way.

You all helped me become an Ironman!

The Taper

I am 10 days out from race day and in full taper mode. What does that mean? It means less volume, more sleep, and lots of recovery. It also means that my training is pretty much done. I have officially put in all the work that I will need to in order to survive this race.

There is a question that keeps coming up over and over, how are you feeling? To be quite honest, I don't have a specific answer other than, fine. I know that I should be more excited, or at least nervous or scared but, I don't feel any exact thing... yet. I guess you could say that I am just plugging along for the time being until the undoubted rush of emotions takes over.

One thing I can confidently say is that I have started to pack, yay! I have been making lists of the items that I will need to have with me on race day, as well as started my suitcase with stuff for the whole trip. Hopefully this will help ease any anxiety that might creep up about forgetting something.

My plan is to blog one more time before race day, but once I have arrived in Hawaii. I'm sure I will be singing a different tune then as far as emotions go, and hopefully I will have so much more to share.

Hawaii here I come...

My bib# is 1940

Clothes I will be wearing on race day

Let the countdown begin...

If you ask me today how I'm feeling my response would be, somewhere between Oscar the Grouch and Sam the Eagle. My mind is tired. My body is tired. Not to mention that I am perpetually hungry and extremely cranky.

I have 30 days to go and right now everything is annoying to me. I don't want to talk on the phone, I don't want to talk about my training, I just want to sleep. I've asked some of my Ironman friends about it and they say that this is completely normal and temporary. Phew, what a relief! I was beginning to worry that this state of mind was going to carry me to race day.

Last week was a bad one for me in terms of training. I was not able to complete everything that coach prescribed and my sleep pattern was way off. Looking back, it was probably due to a combination of two things: the extreme heat (I ran 10 miles in 102 degrees and pretty much gave myself a heat stroke), and not being fully recovered from my Triple-T training weekend. Being the type A that I am, not being able to finish a workout really bothers me and I still feel guilty about it. So I decided that this week would be a better one.

Then I got the email from Coach with my schedule and my heart sank a little. Holy crap! I cannot have another bad week. I read the schedule a couple of times to let all the workouts sink in and allowed myself a few minutes to pout over it. Ok, I'm done. Yeah it's a lot, but I can do it and I will do it. All I have to do is approach it one workout at a time and slowly I will check each workout off the list. I got this.

I have a lot of mixed emotions heading into the last weeks of training. I'm excited that the countdown has begun and a part of me will be glad when it is all over. I've loved having a GIANT goal to work towards and at the same time I worry that I will feel lost once the race is done. I am also very excited to go to Hawaii, which is a place I have never been to, to relax and spend some time with my family. But most of all I am looking forward to sleeping in on the weekends again!

So Linda, it's time to embrace the "suck" and toughen up. I only have a couple more weeks of hard training before the "taper" and these workouts right now are key to crossing the finish line under 17 hours.

Triple-T Training Weekend

FRIDAY NIGHT
Sprint Triathlon

I arrive early and keep checking my phone to see if I have any missed calls or messages from people who might be joining me. Tonight is the kick off to a really long training weekend that I have been anxiously looking forward to.

Two familiar faces greet me as I gather my gear and head over to the pool deck. Now that I know I won't be by myself this evening, I'm really excited for this workout as it will be the shortest one over the next few days. Three more Kona Support Crew members join us, we each
take a lane and jump right in. The water feels amazing because, even though it's 6:00 pm, it is easily 90 degrees out. I swim a very relaxed 500 yards (00:07:55) and try my best to transition in a timely matter. This weekend my transitions are not important. The main goal is to do the entire Ironman distance over three days.

We get about a mile into our short 12 mile bike ride (00:42:28) and I get a flat. I just bought new tires so at the moment I'm a bit irritated. However my annoyance is short lived because my Coach is there to help. Yes, I am aware that I should be the one changing my own tire but if help is offered why not take it. We make our final loop and lucky
for us the weather has cooled quite a bit. Tonight the run is a piece of cake! A nice easy pace, lots of conversation, and only 3.1 miles (00:30:45). It goes by in a flash and before you know it I am done with triathlon #1.

SATURDAY MORNING
"Olympic" Triathlon #1

Zuma Beach is alive with people and every five minutes or so more and more arrive. The Nautica Malibu Triathlon is next weekend and this is the last big training day for many of the participants. It also happens to be the site where I will be doing triathlon #2.

This morning I definitely feel the love from the ladies of my triathlon group as 13 of them showed up to workout. Each one of them is training for an upcoming race so it was a lot of fun for all of us to get together. We hit the water for the 1/2 mile ocean swim (00:20:00*) and it's absolutely perfect out. A few waves here and there, but once you pass the surf line it is completely glassy.

I would say this was the longest transition of the entire weekend by far. Rinsing wet suits, changing into biking clothes, eating some food and taking my sweet time. All of us gather and head out for an easy out and back 22 mile ride (01:16:07).

Normally during the summer it stays pretty cool at the beach, today not so much. None of us are carrying any water but as luck would have it we find two water fountains along our 5 mile run (00:49:17).

We all make it back in one piece and as I head back to my car I wonder to myself, how the hell am I going to do another one of these in a few hours?

*forgot my watch so I don't know what my time was

INTERLUDE

My feet are up, I am eating a GIANT salad, and I am very much enjoying my air conditioned home as it is 100 degrees outside. No joke! I have about 3 hours to relax and recover before I have to head out again for triathlon #3. The key to surviving this weekend is preparation for sure. I picked the holiday weekend in advance for a reason, mapped the routes, prepared my food, and emailed my plans. Everything is going amazingly well. All I have to do is show up and let my body do the rest.

SATURDAY EVENING
"Olympic" Triathlon #2

I am fried. It's still about 100 degrees out and I have zero desire to workout. I keep telling myself that "this is the path to Kona" and "you have to train in the heat." Blah, blah, blah. All I can think about is how it feels like a freaking oven out here! My motivation is almost gone until I see my two workout companions for the evening. Oh boy! These ladies are going to make me work. I make them take a BEFORE picture because trust me there is no way in hell we'll be smiling at the end of this.

The swim is fabulous. I could have easily stayed in the pool all night but alas the 750 yards (00:11:41) goes by much too soon. We head out for what looks to be a really hot ride and being the experts that they are, they modify the bike route for less hills and less traffic. I bring three water bottles with me and some food. This weekend is not only to see how my body recovers from back to back to back workouts but also to practice my nutrition. However, right now something feels off because my stomach does not like me. It's possible that I ate too much between triathlons today, and after all those flip turns in the pool I've definitely done something to upset it.



This 22 mile bike ride (01:29:50) seems like an eternity. I absolutely love the company but my mind is all over the place. My tummy hurts, it is hot as hell, and the wind is super annoying. I try my best to embrace the Kona like conditions, but I'm struggling. Finally, I am able to focus a bit more as I set myself on auto pilot and follow their lead.

Our 5 mile run (00:53:52) is nothing special. We are beat and all we want is for it to be over with. The weather cools down a bit which is a huge plus, but our bodies have taken a beating. There is not a doubt in my mind, had these two not shown up, I probably would've skipped this one for the day. I'm so glad they did.


SUNDAY
Half Iron Triathlon

This is it. The last triathlon of the weekend. By some miracle my body seems to be holding up pretty well which is good because today I will need it. Once again a great group of comrades have assembled and we take a few minutes to discuss the day's game plan. Since today is going to be a long day, my approach is to think about in terms of parts and mentally check off each one as I complete it. Not everyone can stay, and to be honest I didn't think anyone would want to. But when my "equally crazy as me" friend says she's in for the whole thing, I am pumped!

Part 1, check! 1.2 mile ocean swim (00:31:37) Part 2, check! 56 mile bike ride (03:25.53) Part 3, the dreaded 13.1 mile run in the blistering heat (02:22:26) AH!!! I drink lots of water before we even start and I am happy to have my water belt with me, but I know it probably won't be enough. One mile at a time ticks slowly by and little by little the conversation dwindles. We are exhausted, thirsty, sweaty, and we have a little more than two miles to go when out of no where pops out an angel with a bottle of water. She is just what we needed to lift our spirits and give us the last burst of energy that we needed to finish.

4 triathlons in 3 days, equals 140+ miles of Triple-T madness!!! I survived the longest training weekend yet and couldn't have done it alone. Thank you to everyone who came out this weekend. Each one of you helped me get one step closer to my Kona goal. You're AWESOME!!!